If you have read my last instalment and from that positively, self-affirming declaration concluded that I am lonely, alone, or sad, I can only deduce you know nothing of me or you attempted to review my writing rather than find a means to your validation.
You see, despite my challenges, I’m none of those things. I am a brilliant spark in the lives of people who know me—a wealth of knowledge, a crucible of love, a treasure chest of comic relief, a fiery encounter, a trove of compassion, a beacon for every person with a mental health issue (PMI), and so much more.
Because I’m thriving with a mental health issue, there are times required for management of those issues—there are happy days, sad days, days and period of aloneness and of feeling alone, and periods of wanting to be left alone, but those are occasions in my life, not defining characteristics of me.
And while I wish I had a spouse who could make dark days light and light days lighter, I’m not one so totally dependent on the other “half” that I cannot have a whole life/existence. And too, that idea is too often a bridge of adversity rather than a bed of roses.
I stand loved and protected among many great women who have proved to me that self-validation is important to being the true you. I’ve sat at the feet of Ella Andall, Pat Bishop, Patt Anthony, and many more, who within and without marriage or partnership showed me the way of self.
If you read that “I’m my own Valentine and that’s perfect” and concluded that declaration had anything to do with or without having a man/partner then there’s little I can do to help your understanding, except suggest you read some more and include in that more of what I’ve written.
My duality of character works for me. I could be such a social butterfly you’d hardly know I experience in privacy some of the things I share here. Unless you’ve had an intimate involvement—and even if you did—it’s not obvious what my challenges are.
If you’re a diagnosed PMI and that makes you feel or appear awkward or if you just feel that you don’t fit into circles of family, peers, co-workers, et al, what I’m intending is to encourage you to declare your own independence day.
It’s important for everyone to find/ have a sense of belonging. It’s more important to find it within you and to indulge yourself completely with the idea of you, regardless of what portends.
I’m a PMI. I do not walk around feeling anything less than regal. I’m a beautiful, brilliant, down-to-earth woman with exceptional insight into things and people. I stand singular without the anxiety of aloneness. That’s something to strive for.
“Find a sense of belonging inside of you,” says www.positivelypositive.com. “Honour this place, this club of your own, with your living, vibrant spirit as its core and central member. If you find yourself feeling like a fish out of water, by all means find a new stream, but don’t change who you are, be who you are.”
The difference that I am is nothing visible. I do not appear awkward—I feel awkward. I do not act awkward (I hope). I cannot think of a time when I actually behaved as a misfit, yet I know the perception of being a misfit, theirs and mine.
Once, in trying to get some co-workers to appreciate the effect stress has on my sociability and my energy level, I threatened to wear my underpants outside and come to the office—they laughed.
I’d always be heard saying that because I’m able to do everything everyone else does, and so often, better, it’s difficult to help people understand how real my challenges are.
I’m a standout in many gatherings for one reason or another, all mostly good, and that makes others feel awkward. Some even whisper sufficiently loud so that I know they “know” something about me and I’m so dismayed because I’m such an open story, opened before anyone else in T&T dared to tell.
I am using the month of February to celebrate myself and to encourage everyone to find within, a self to celebrate.
After submitting last week’s column, I laughed in complete understanding when Andrea posted on Facebook, “I accept the woman I am ... I'm fiery, stubborn and impulsive yet courageous, loyal, independent, positive, passionate and loving...Takes a special kinda guy to deal with me. I’m a damn handful!”
I agree. The theories of needing someone else to complete me are all in ashes. I recognise I am whole. I’m writing from within that completeness about feeling like a misfit in situations and hopefully lighting a path for those who can relate.
I’m phenomenal. I embrace the power of self. I know the power of God.
