I can’t promise that the achievement we talked about last week—creating a home that is a sanctuary for you and your loved ones—is going to be easy. What I can promise is that your efforts to create a home that is warm, safe and nurturing to each family member will be rewarded in countless ways. So here are some tips to help you along the way:
1. Become a better listener
Please, take the time to really attend to what your child or your partner is really saying.
Yes, we can all be continually busy, too busy to truly listen. But, please do not be one of those parents who only pay attention to a child when he or she needs to be disciplined- this is a prescription for disaster! Children are so wise and they realise when we notice them only when they do wrong. If this is what it’s going to take to get your attention, believe me, they will do wrong. Children need your time and positive attention as much as they need food!
2. Give respect so you can be truly respected
You don’t want your child or partner to be superficially nice to you but secretly dislike you.
There are many children who love their parents but secretly harbor disdain and even hateful feelings that have come about because they feel neglected or totally misunderstood. In today’s dangerous world, you want to definitely have a strong connection with your child and with your spouse. The way to accomplish this is by insisting that in your home, everyone gets treated with respect. What does this really mean? It means talking instead of yelling – kids hate it when we yell.
Our partners find us very unattractive when we yell. Moreover, if we practice to communicate in a firm, no-nonsense voice when we mean business, they will know that specific tone and will be more inclined to respect what you are saying instead of tuning you out. Children see right through us, so be sincere about your words and actions. We have to always try to model the way for those around us.
3. Give the gift of time
It is all too easy to lose sight of what’s really important to our well-being and inner peace and happiness. I have witnessed the breakdown of relationships between children and parents and between so many couples, mainly because they did not take the time to nurture their relationships. A relationship is like a plant. A plant will not grow or flourish without the important, life-giving ingredient of water and a relationship cannot last, will not last unless you make it your priority to take the time that the other person needs of you and from you.
In the case of a child, do not underestimate the importance of playing or attending a game, looking at a school report, sharing a meal, having a real conversation and just show sincere interest in whatever is happening in his or her world. In the case of your partner, take the time to find out what really pleases him or her and then strive to do them. Yes, it can be that simple if this is done with sincerity and consistency.
I believe that in order to achieve all of the above and in order to become good self-managers, we need to be also spiritually fulfilled. This may mean different things to each of us. For me, this means continually trying to treat each person with respect, caring and dignity.
I believe in the saying, “Love they Neighbor as Thyself,” because if we all practiced this, I know that this world can be a better place. We cannot change the world but we can change our world. Everyone likes to be treated well. Do not underestimate the power of how an act of kindness can make a difference in the life of someone who is having a really bad day. That person’s life might be falling apart and you don’t need to make it worse. In fact, you feel better when you enhance someone else’s life.
Take the time to find out what feeds your spirit. Ask, what fulfills your inner self. Clarify these and then do begin to do them, one step at a time!
INFO
If there are any issues you’d like Monica to address via this column, email her at: thestarkereality@gmail.com.
Dr Starke is a psychotherapist/Life skills coach and OD (Organisational Development) consultant who provides workshops/seminars for employees and supervisors. You can visit her website at www.ctclifeskills.com.
