As I have said before, we are endowed with the sacred trust of child-rearing and this is an outstanding responsibility, one that brings great joy and can bring great sorrow and disappointment as well.
If we focus on this realization, I think we would all strive to be better parents in the eyes of our children and the community. It may help if we see ourselves as the leaders of our families. Yes, we are leaders, parents. I know that usually when we think of leadership, we think of important organisations and large corporations. Do we really view ourselves as leaders? I hope we do because we are the most important leaders on earth, entrusted with the most important responsibility of raising children right—striving to do the best that we can at all times.
None of us are perfect and we would make mistakes but there are some steps we can take to minimize the numbers. For instance, a teenager recently reminded me about how much she hates it when her parents yell at her. She thinks that they ask her to respect them —she dares not to yell at them. She thinks that they should return the courtesy and not yell at her. My take on this is that based on my own child-rearing experiences and mistakes, yelling makes us so unattractive to our children, our partners, and more importantly, I don’t think that we are taken seriously when we yell.
By all means, yell about twice a year to let them know we still have that ability, but I believe that we would be taken more seriously if we set a specific time for talking to our teen. Let’s not pass remarks as we pass each other or let’s not speak indirectly when we know that our teenager is listening.
These actions become habits and can cause great resentment that can last a lifetime. Our teenagers have enough to deal with at school and in the community as they are often treated with disrespect from many adults with whom they interact.
Too often, I hear sad incidents of disrespect and negative treatment from teachers and others who should know what a challenging world it already is for our youth. If your teenager is acting in ways that displease you or in ways that are irresponsible or even dangerous, I urge you to call a meeting—just as you would if you were a leader in a formal organisation, make the appropriate eye contact, in this case one of genuine love and concern and really communicate with your teen. Remember to be a good listener; your teen may have much to say and you may learn a lot by actively listening as well. Conduct your family meeting with respect and sincerity and if at first you get nowhere, try again and again—expect small gains and recognize small changes. When you do, please remember to encourage the positive changes by saying something nice to your teen—this will be remembered and appreciated. I am not making this up—I am making these suggestions based on what I hear from teenagers regularly—and from my own life experiences!
As we strive to be good role models, it is important to remember that on reflection, if we feel that we are not putting forth our best efforts; if indeed, we believe that there is room for improvement, a new beginning is always a good idea. Renewal of our efforts as parents should take place, as we hear of tragedies taking place with our youths and as we learn from the mistakes of others. It is never too late for transformation to occur. Good leaders continually perform effective self-examinations and set new goals for growth and change.
Our teenagers are looking to us for solace and now is a good time to make sure that our homes are sanctuaries for them and their friends who tend to influence them, sometimes more than we do. Getting to know their friends and their friends’ parents always serve to be in the best interest of both families. Do not wait until you have a concern to get to know the people who are modeling the way for your teenagers.
Finally, our teenagers need to know that we are happy and living our best lives, so let us resolve to make every effort to take care of ourselves. Our teens are not perfect but they do have a great deal to confront on a daily basis and they have to know that they have a sanctuary with us—physically, emotionally, and spiritually!
Dr Starke is a psychotherapist and OD (Organizational Development) consultant who provides workshops/seminars.
•Please send your questions and/or comments to—thestarkereality@gmail.com or www.ctclifeskills.com
