So hear nuh, now we know our world-famous herbalists have the cure for chikungunya or pawpaw leaf disease and for Ebola, aptly described as a “mango chow without the mango, mixed with hibiscus petals and a stale hops,” by BC Pires, I want people to know that I own a virgin pawpaw tree, never used. I understand from herbal sources in Jamaica that anything virgin could cure anything and I am willing to provide the public with virgin pawpaw leaf cheap, cheap, cheap. I have a small bridge over the Caroni I looking to sell too. I even have solicited assistance from some of my business fren and dem to provide transportation to the country, so leh we hope this nonexistent epidemic, according to the MoH, doh stop, because Crissmas coming and we needs we freedom from the press, never mind nobody know we name, so we could advertise freely and also import apple and grape from faren and make people stall in Independence Square or Brian Lara Square or whatever they calling it now, look pretty.
On second thought, someone might report me to the Medical Protection Society and they might take exception to my business so I done. Allyuh hear, leave me alone and jess keep walking around the Savannah and talking loud. There is tremendous interest in the country in “natural” remedies, so I have done some investigation and found a number of remedies that people might jess like for all who have problem with “impotency” and suchlike ting. The information is taken from a near-century-old medicine textbook called Health Knowledge: 34 Departments Scientifically Illustrated. It was published in 1919, and based on consultation with leading physicians from many of the world’s leading medical institutions at the time, Cornell, Yale, and the Royal College of Surgeons among them. The book was considered “the result of the best and most advanced thought and experience on the subject of medicine” at the time. Beat that, nuh?
Colds! Don’t mind the classical saying known since Hippocrates was a baby in 462 BC: “treat a cold, it lasts for a week, don’t treat a cold, it lasts for a week.” Any of the following were strongly recommended: Tincture of witch hazel blended with rum. Whisky mixed with melted rock candy. Molasses applied to the nostrils. A plaster of melted lard and turpentine on the chest, a sort of old-time Vicks VapoRub. Steeped red-pepper water to induce sneezing, the idea being that “likes are cured by likes.” Molasses to clog up the nostrils for the same reason.
They all worked. After a week your cold was gone! Same with modern cough medicines. One week, cold gone! Marvellous stuff, cough syrup! Useless for cough pimped the same way. The alcohol in these mixtures make you content with life, then put you to sleep and is good for anything from the flu to depression. Warmed spirits blended with sugar, spices, and vitamin C-packed citrus fruit (eg, hot toddies) were particularly popular remedies and have recently made a comeback. My particular favourite: one ounce honey; two ounces lime juice; three ounces hot water and four ounces rum. Take one four times a day for seven days. Cure guaranteed.
Now, if the cold went down into the larynx, you could move on to more sophisticated remedy: two strips of bacon tied around the throat or serial ingestion of butter or lard or a kerosene-soaked rag applied to the throat. Kerosene was once used to make children with croup vomit but nobody knows why that butter or lard. “Bacon therapy” has been shown to be an effective means of drawing parasites and larvae out of the skin. What it has to do with croup defies explanation but if the medical experts recommended it, who is we?
Here are some nice ones for skin and scalp conditions: for dry skin, sour cream that has been buried in dirt overnight. That sound like one that smart Trinis would like. You have to scoop the sour cream into a piece of flannel (flannel is also good for chest cold), burying it overnight to theoretically enrich the cream with minerals, and then applying it to the affected area. Bury it in a container, eh? Keep the child away from the dog and school. Kerosene for lice. What it is these docs have with kerosene?
But really, the only suggestion here that would have been partly effective as a home remedy was the use of kerosene for lice. This was a widely used treatment before the development of modern pediculicides. However, severe burns were common in children treated with kerosene, so the approach was less than ideal. Like the old-time habit of rubbing down the child with alcohol to reduce fever! A mixture of lard and ground cannabis for acne. Someone tell the Americans in Colorado! And everyone, especially in certain parts of this country, will adore this one—gunpowder and vinegar for ringworm! Yuh cah beat that!
I never did find the cure for impotency, although the fellow selling bois bande in the square tried his best to persuade me to take a piece. Ebola sauce might be worth a try, especially if you constipated. I fully expec that peoples will write in and tells me more about these traditional remedy. Tanks, eh?